Today is hard. Maybe it's just a case of the Mondays... but today feels bone crushingly hard. Like every stupid item on my to do list is a lofty task. I feel like I can't take one more question, one more conversation, one more living thing depending on me. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and I'm not even sure why. I wouldn't even know where to begin when people offer to help. It's just shit I need to do, and I need to muster up the energy to do it.
Things that should be positive, like visiting with friends feel like a chore instead of a treat. My plate just feels too full. It's the mental energy to deal with this that's draining me. Putting on a good face to be in the company of others sounds exhausting. Being honest and moping around in the presence of others sounds even worse. I think I just need a glass of wine, some trashy realty TV, and an early bedtime for the kiddos.
Graham met with the doctors today and the weight of it all is just hitting me. It feels like PTSD. All those fears come flooding back. The ugly moments you had suppressed are like fresh wounds again. I don't want to do this again. I don't want to do this again. I don't fucking want to!
Tomorrow will be a better day.
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